Ellen calls her daughter on a Friday to ask whether the family is coming for Sunday dinner. Her daughter, Kate, says, “Not this week, Mom. I just can’t.” Ellen hangs up and spends the evening replaying the call. She never has time for me anymore. What did I do to deserve this?
Across town, Kate is folding laundry at ten o’clock at night, with a toddler who won’t sleep, a work deadline on Monday, and a husband who’s been traveling all week. She feels guilty about her mother’s silence on the phone. She also feels something closer to dread: Now I’ll have to make this up to her, too.
Neither of them is a villain. Each is reacting from her own inner world: her feelings, fears, history and the pressures of her life right now. When those two inner worlds collide again and again, a relationship can slowly come apart.
Much of what I write about estrangement looks at what happens between parents and adult children. This article looks at what happens inside each of them, and invites both to look inward.
A note before we begin: if there has been physical, sexual or ongoing emotional abuse, this kind of reflection is about understanding yourself, not about returning to a relationship that isn’t safe. Your safety comes first.
Why Looking Inward Matters
Psychologists use the word mentalizing for our ability to understand what’s going on inside ourselves, and to imagine what might be going on inside someone else. Researcher Peter Fonagy and his colleagues have shown how central this ability is to healthy relationships.
Here’s the difficulty: mentalizing tends to shrink when we feel hurt, criticized or overwhelmed, which is exactly how parents and adult children often feel during estrangement. In those moments, we stop wondering what the other person is experiencing, and react only to how their words land on us.
Looking inward doesn’t mean taking all the blame. It means pausing long enough to ask two questions: What is happening inside me? and What might be happening inside them?
For Parents: Looking at Your Own Inner World
When an adult child pulls back or raises a painful memory, many parents feel accused. Some begin to hear almost everything their child says as an insult or a criticism. That reaction is very human. Defensiveness often protects us from a deeper and more painful feeling: the fear that “I wasn’t a good parent.”
But defensiveness also keeps parents from hearing what their child is trying to say. If you’re a parent hoping to reconcile with your adult child, these questions may help:
• What do I feel first when my child tells me something hurt them? Is it shame, fear, anger or sadness? Noticing that first feeling can keep it from taking over the conversation.
• Can I set my defenses down, even for a minute? Before explaining, correcting or defending, can I simply listen and try to understand what my child is telling me?
• What about my temperament may have been hard for my child? A quick temper, constant worry, a need to be right or a tendency to criticize can shape a child’s experience, even when love was always there.
• Did drinking or other substances affect how I treated my child? Alcohol or substance use can change a parent’s mood, patience and reactions, sometimes in ways the parent barely remembers but the child never forgets. Looking honestly at this can be painful, and it can also open the door to real understanding.
• Was I often critical of my child? Frequent correction, sarcasm, comparisons to siblings, or comments about their looks, grades or choices can feel like ordinary parenting at the time. To a child, they can add up to a lasting sense of never being good enough.
• What mistakes might I have made, even with good intentions? Every parent makes them. Being willing to look honestly is not the same as being a bad parent. It’s often a sign of a good one.
• Has my child’s life changed in ways I haven’t fully taken in? A spouse, young children, a demanding job and simple exhaustion can leave an adult child with very little time or energy. Less contact doesn’t always mean less love.
• Am I measuring my child’s love by how much time they give me? If so, could I find other ways to feel connected, including through my own friendships, interests and community?
For Adult Children: Looking at Your Own Inner World
If you’ve stepped away from a parent, you likely had good reasons, and your feelings deserve to be taken seriously. At the same time, it can help to look gently at what’s driving your decisions now, so that you’re choosing the kind of relationship you truly want.
• Is the relationship harmful, or am I overwhelmed? Sometimes a parent really is hurtful, critical or unsafe. Other times, an adult child is stretched so thin by work, marriage and young children that even a loving parent’s needs feel like one demand too many. Sometimes it’s both.
• Does my parent’s need for contact feel like pressure? If every call comes with guilt, it’s understandable to pull away. It may help to name that pressure directly, rather than disappearing.
• What would a healthy boundary look like for me? Perhaps a set weekly call, shorter visits, meeting somewhere neutral, or agreeing that certain topics are off-limits.
• Is there a smaller version of this relationship I could manage? Not the relationship your parent wants, and not the one you had growing up, but one that fits your life now.
• What do I hope my parent will understand about my life today? Knowing this can help you say it clearly, instead of hoping they’ll somehow figure it out.
If Your Parent Drank or Often Criticized You
If you grew up with a parent who drank, or who regularly criticized, mocked or belittled you, the effects can last well into adulthood. You may still hear that critical voice in your head. You may feel anxious before every visit, or find yourself instantly back in the role of a child trying not to set them off. Those reactions make sense. They are not signs that you’re too sensitive.
Can you still have a relationship with that parent? Sometimes, yes. Often it depends on a few things:
• Is your parent still drinking? A parent in recovery may be a very different person than the one you grew up with. A parent who is still drinking may not be able to offer safety or consistency.
• Does the criticism continue today? If every conversation still leaves you feeling small, a close relationship may not be possible right now.
• Can your parent acknowledge any of it? Even a partial acknowledgment, such as “I know my drinking made things hard for you,” can make a relationship feel more possible.
• What do you need to feel safe and steady? Your needs matter as much as your parent’s wishes.
If you do choose some contact, it might look different from what other families have. For example:
• Seeing your parent only when they are sober, such as earlier in the day, or at events without alcohol
• Keeping visits short, or meeting in public places like a restaurant or park
• Having your own way to leave, such as driving yourself
• Choosing phone calls, texts or cards instead of visits for a while
• Calmly ending a conversation or visit if drinking or criticism begins: “I’m going to go now. We can talk another time.”
• Deciding carefully, and with your own judgment, what contact your children will have
It’s also okay to decide that you can’t have a relationship right now, or at all. A smaller relationship, a distant one, or none can each be a healthy choice, depending on what you need. Support groups such as Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), along with therapy, can help you sort through these decisions and the feelings that come with them.
Boundaries and Walls
Many adult children who cut off contact never wanted a complete break. They wanted things to change, but didn’t know how to ask, or feared their parent wouldn’t listen.
It helps to think about the difference between a boundary and a wall:
• A boundary says, “Here’s how I can be in a relationship with you.” For example: “I can talk on Sunday afternoons, but I can’t talk every day.”
• A wall says, “I can’t be in a relationship with you at all.”
Sometimes a wall is necessary, especially when there has been abuse or a parent repeatedly ignores reasonable limits. But in many families, a clear and kind boundary would allow the relationship to continue in a healthier form.
For parents, respecting a boundary is often the most powerful way to show an adult child that it’s safe to come closer. For adult children, setting a boundary instead of a wall leaves room for the relationship to grow, at a pace you can manage.
Meeting in the Middle
When both people are willing to look inward, something shifts. The conversation moves from “You did this to me” toward “Here’s what was happening inside me, and I’m trying to understand what was happening inside you.”
Imagine Ellen calling Kate back a few days later and saying, “I realized I took it personally when you said you couldn’t come. You have so much on your plate right now. I just miss you.” And imagine Kate answering, “I miss you too, Mom. Sundays are hard right now, but could we have lunch on Wednesday?”
Neither has given up her own experience. Each has simply made room for the other’s.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Looking inward is hard, especially when you’re hurting. A therapist can help you understand your own reactions, see the other person more clearly, and decide what kind of relationship is possible.
Whether you’re a parent hoping to reconcile with your adult child, or an adult child thinking about boundaries with your parents, I work with both, separately or together, across New York State. [Contact me for a free consultation.]